My Point: Escobedo Speaks Up To Empower Others Who Stutter

My name is Ernesto Escobedo and I have a stutter.

It has taken me a long, long time to be comfortable enough to share that with the world. It is something I have lived with as long as I can remember. But as a kid, I never really paid attention to it. All I was worried about was playing tennis, going out with friends and having fun.

The truth is there are times when it feels like something is stuck in my throat and I just can't talk. If I force myself to speak, it comes out poorly and I stutter really badly. It’s tough.

I know a lot of people have a lot of issues they deal with. No one is perfect in this world. But one of the most important things in life is communication. It just sucks that you could see my insecurity off the bat because of my struggles with speech.

If somebody has four toes, that person could hide it forever. I can't hide. I'm an easy target because I can't speak like everybody else. I'm trying my best to work on it and I thought a good way to start would be to share my story.

I might have a stutter, but I also have a voice.

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Once I came close to becoming one of the Top 100 players in the world, my life changed. There were more people around, more eyes on me. My stutter had never really been a major problem in my life until one day in 2016 in Cary, North Carolina.

I was playing an ATP Challenger Tour final against James McGee, who won the match in three sets. Afterwards, everyone came on court for the trophy ceremony and I was handed the microphone to reflect on my week.

“I started…

“I’m so sorry, hold on…

“So right before Lexington I was ranked like 350, 340, and then I just. Every time…

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t speak right now.”

A thousand words were racing through my mind. I didn't know which ones to pick. My heart rate went through the roof and my hands were sweating like crazy. I lost control of my body.

It was really scary and embarrassing, to be honest. That was one of the most difficult moments of my life. I just didn't know what to say — nothing came out. I started to break down on court.

My opponent, James, was really nice. He immediately jumped up, put his arm around me and spoke on my behalf. But the damage was done.

That video went on YouTube and ever since I have been scared that people would watch it. I saw it two weeks after the match and immediately thought, ‘Whoa’. It was a really emotional moment for me. I was shocked and ashamed because of it. I felt so small.

It is so difficult to describe what it was like to stand there and have no control of my body. All I wanted to do was talk and put myself out there, but I couldn’t. I had no choice, and that was sad. It was a really shitty feeling.

That moment made a huge impact on my career, and not in a good way. The following year, I broke into the Top 100 for the first time and reached my career-high of No. 67 just after my 21st birthday. I was playing the tennis of my life.

But on the inside, I was struggling.

In many matches I would get so close to the finish line on some pretty big stages, but all I could think about was not wanting to experience what I did that day in Cary.

‘Oh shit, I've got to talk after this.’

I would lose matches because I was too scared to speak afterwards. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, that is what I was thinking about on court. During points, between points, any time you can think of. Instead of just focusing on the next point, I was thinking, ‘I'm getting closer to when I have to talk. What am I gonna say?’

I wanted to finish matches just to go back to the hotel and avoid speaking. I’m not really scared of doing interviews — I could crush one-on-ones every day. But when I need to talk in front of a lot of people, I start losing control of my voice.

What made my struggle worse was that when I was in the Top 100, a lot of people began making fun of me, which made me feel insecure about my stutter. I didn't want people to hear my voice.

A lot of people didn't understand my stutter. Some told me, ‘Just talk’. But it's tough to speak if you struggle with this. Nobody stutters on purpose, trust me.

It has weighed me down for years. I truly believe I belong in the Top 100 now, but my stutter and my fear of it have held me back.

Because I felt so much shame about it, I never thought about discussing it publicly. Not one time. Not until now.

I recently started thinking about what I’ve gone through. I'm going to be 27 soon, and I would feel really badly if I ended my career without letting my struggles off my chest. I've never heard somebody talk about their stutter, so I thought it could be good just to start a conversation.

A few weeks ago, I was in Mexico for a tournament and I told my coach and agent about it for the first time. I sent my coach the clip from the Cary Challenger and he said, ‘Dude, this is crazy! I can’t believe that this happened to you.’ He felt so bad that I had to go through that experience and that it had been weighing on me for this long.

I had close people around me who tried to help, but never got professional help. I let my team know I was thinking of going public and they were super supportive.

I recorded a 73-second video telling the world about my struggles and how important it is to put myself out there in case it can help even one person who is also having a tough time. It took me like 10 tries because I didn't really know what to say and I was trying to be super natural about it. When I messed up a video, I just deleted it and shot it again until I felt it was good.

Separate from my stutter, I've always been a quiet person. So I think for people who know me to see that video, they were kind of impressed that I spoke for a minute and a half. Some people would not think twice about that. But for me that was a huge step.

When I pressed publish after the last match of my trip, I felt like I lost 20 pounds. I felt at peace with myself. I wasn't expecting it to go viral on social media and definitely did not expect all the nice messages that people have sent me. That made me feel so much better.

To be clear, I don't want people to feel bad for me. Everybody faces obstacles in life. But millions of people live with a stutter, so I know there are so many others out there going through similar challenges, too.

This is also bigger than a stutter. This is about overcoming fear. All this time I did not even think of talking to anyone about this. But I realised that nobody is perfect, and there is nothing wrong with that. It makes you who you are and if you are able to overcome that fear, that is a huge accomplishment. I’ve won many tennis matches in my life, but overcoming my fear has felt so much better than any of my victories on the court.

Now I can just be myself. I’m Ernesto. I’m not the guy with a stutter. If people accept you, they accept you. If they don't, it doesn't really matter. Who cares?

I know it's a really scary feeling, dealing with a stutter or any problem. I just want people to know that they are not alone.

If I could help out one person by sharing my story, it would mean so much to me. I really think this will help me continue to embrace who I am, too.

It’s okay to not be perfect. For so long I wanted to hide who I am. Now, I don’t have to.

- as told to Andrew Eichenholz